The Four Phases of Playing the Mario Kart Drinking Game

The Mario Kart Drinking Game. It's an event I've tried to host for years and finally, as of last week, gathered some friends to splice a fond childhood memory with one of our more adult hobbies: drinking. You see, getting people excited to play The Mario Kart Drinking Game (MKDG for short) is one thing, but actually convincing them to gorge themselves on beer and enjoy a little risk-free drunk driving is much harder in practice.

Once you do though, it's a night to remember.

I mean, at least try to remember it, guys.

For those unfamiliar with the  Mario Kart Drinking Game, the rules are pretty simple. First, you'll need a few things:

1) Some close friends (you know, the ones who wont judge you for chugging down too many beers then throwing an unforgiving blue shell in their face.)

2) Copious amounts of cheap, drinkable beer.

3) A copy of your favorite version of Mario Kart. (This game does, however, work best with Mario Kart 64 as you wont have any pesky computer players getting in the way during multiplayer.)

After that it's smooth sailing on a sea of PBR and Bud Light.

Like this but smoother and more metaphoric. 

Rules are as follows:

You must drink the entirety of your beer before you reach the finish line. If you cross and it's not empty, you forfeit. Also, you can't drink while you're driving because, you know, safety first. When
and where you choose to stop is entirely up to you. Perhaps you down your beer right after the buzzer, or gain a significant lead and pull over. It's up to you. Be strategic. Or don't. I don't care. You'll still get a beer in the end whether you win or lose.

Also there's one last rule that states if someone chooses Princess Peach as their character you have to mock them through the whole race. But that's dumb and sexist and gross. Save that sort of thing for Mario Party.

Got it? Good. Because I'm here to lay down the Four Phases of Playing the Mario Kart Drinking Game and the Rainbow Road of emotions that stem from it.

Phase 1: Childhood Flashback

Ah! How fast the bliss of your youth returns when an N64 controller slips smoothly into your hands; the age-old question of "what games even use the d-pad" rattling around in your mind.

Don't lie and act like you didn't just use the C buttons.

It's hard not to get nostalgic when you and a few friends gather in the living room and sit on the floor around the TV, arguing over who gets the coolest controller. Side note: the coolest controller is in fact the limited edition yellow Donkey Kong controller with ends that look like bananas but it was 100$ at the used video game store and I'm not an oil tycoon, ok?

Then you pick your character. Honestly EVERYONE has an opinion on who's the best, but really it's all about driving style. That's why I choose Toad every time. Papa loves that sweet-sweet acceleration. After grumblings end and we've calmly settled the debate of who get's to play as Yoshi, it's time to pick a track.

But does anyone actually play as Bowser? Bowser Players Pride 2016.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Let's play Bowser's Castle! Let's do Rainbow Road! Whoah-whoah. Slow down there, partner. We gotta take it slow. I know you're excited, but act like you've been there. Start with Luigi Raceway and work your way up. This is going to be a long night.

Phase 2: Oh Shit, This is Harder Than I Remember

Red. Yellow. Green. Crack your beer. Or red, red, blue depending on what version you play. Like, what the hell, Lakitu? What kind of traffic light is red, red again, and then blue. You had one job. Go kart safety is no joke.

You smug son of a bitch.

So everyone has their own way of playing the MKDG, but my preferred method is to drink as much as I can right when the buzzer goes off. Most likely all of your friends will screw up the timing for the extra boost and be left squealing their wheels while you down it.  But really, whatever works for you. The Mario Kart Drinking Game is a marathon, not a sprint.

Why was Sonic never a playable character? Oh that's right, it makes no sense. 

But, damn, was I better at this as a kid. Maybe it's my slowly decaying body's slower reflexes, or maybe it's that half a beer I guzzled before I even pressed the A button. The world may never know. Anyway you look at it you'll probably have to scrape off some rust on the ol' MK skills. Remember: drifting is for the pros. Don't try to write that check if your butt can't cash it. It'll only lead to humiliation and a lot of time spent in the grass/dirt/water/land of shame.

Phase 3: Being a Petty Bitch

So you've had a couple beers and you're on a winning streak. Doesn't mean there's any room for trash talk. Unless you're anything like me then in which case there's a shit ton of room for trash talk. Oh, you think you're going to get ahead of me? Eat red shell. Oh, yeah, by the way I was holding on to that weapon for a lap and a half. Don't start shit you can't finish.

But seriously, you thought you were competitive when you were a kid? Try being an adult with three...four? How many beers was it? Who cares? It's on like Donkey Kong. And if you're actually playing as Donkey Kong then it's extra on.

Lol, later bitches.

And don't forget those short cuts. If you're cocky enough to take them after a few drinks it's high risk, big reward. Just don't get mad when someone mocks you when you fail, you stupid clumsy bitch.

Phase 4: Euphoria

I can only assume this is the kind of high a marathon runner experiences at around mile 17. Granted I'm going on very little information since I've never run a marathon and 100% never will, but this is pretty phenomenal. Drinking, laughing, and racing with your friends is a hell of an evening. For one night you get to be big, dumb kids again because during the MKDG there are no worries, there are no taxes, and there are no terrifying Republican candidates. It's just you guys and the open Rainbow Road.

What I found is that there are few things better than a night with good friends, good brews, and a little Mario Kart. I hope you all get the chance to enjoy at least one night tearing up the tracks while slugging down some beers with your pals because you're all wonderful and you all deserve it.

The Boston Comics Roundtable: Birth of an Indie Art Scene

Every week the Boston Comics Roundtable meets in an old building on the Harvard University campus. Here the ceilings are high and trimmed with a delicate molding with paint that has begun to chip. A small chandelier hangs in the center of the room and produces a soft yellow light that barely reaches the corners of the space. On the floor rests one long table and an assortment of mismatched chairs that all remain empty. In the opposite room a collegiate improvisational comedy group can be heard practicing. They also rent this space out on Wednesday nights.

Slowly, men and women of different ages stroll into the area. Some carry neat briefcases while others haul backpacks stuffed with loose papers and pens of many sizes. They chat casually about their week and catch up on the gossip they’ve missed like who’s collaborating on new projects and what material members brought to this meeting. As they sit, several continue their conversations while pulling out sketchpads and drawing.

Before long the table is full and flanked by no less than a dozen people. At the head of the table sits David Kender. He is a well-dressed man in his early 30s with short brown hair and a slender frame. “Hey guys,” Kender says. “It’s good to see you.” He calls the meeting to order. 

Every week these comic book writers and artists of Boston get together to discuss the comics, workshop their art, and collaborate on anthology projects. Some meetings are dedicated to work shopping new pieced. Other times, loud conversation about members’ favorite comics can be heard. “Yes, but Neil Gaiman’s work on The Sandman is vastly different than his work with Batman,” yells a voice from the crowd.  They quiet down when their newest publication, Hellbound Vol. III is passed around for all to see. Kender gently slipped the project out of its plastic sleeve and passed around the table. The cover art features a luscious yet terrifying image of a man with five eyes who is surrounded by skulls and wiggling tentacles. Inside are short horror stories all written and drawn by members of the group. The environment is inviting and friendly, but as of six years ago, this community didn’t exist in Boston.

If one were to look at the comic book community in Boston just ten years ago, it would appear disjointed but earnest. The city was home to countless artists and writers that were scattered across the area with little to no connection. While other cities like New York and Chicago have a preexisting and thriving indie comic book scene, Boston seemed to be left out. Granted, there exists a yearly Boston Comic Con; however, larger conventions like those presented overwhelming difficulties for small time artists to participate. These shows are filled with the big name creators of the industry that attend to promote their work with a large name publication. To hold a table at a convention of that size was to play with the big boys, and for those new to the game of comic books the conventions are an intimidating hill to climb.

So, for years tumbleweeds blew through the 19th century western town that was the Boston comic book community. Instead of a collective, there existed many scattered, yet eager, Boston artists with little to no connection. When high noon finally dipped away, artists would return back to their work, still without the support of their fellow creators.

When Dave Kender travelled to Boston for the Emerson College graduate program, he knew his thesis would be a graphic novel. With his goals in his back pocket the young man rented a car and hauled himself from San Francisco all the way to Boston. During his journey, Kender recorded any idea that came to mind. By the time he reached Massachusetts, he had the beginning stages for what would be his 600-page graphic novel script: a project that would take him two years to write.

Upon leaving Emerson, Kender ran into problems making his vision a reality. “After graduation, I couldn’t find anybody to illustrate this fine book,” Kender says. “I asked myself, ‘Where were all the artists?’”

Kender searched for months to find artists in Boston who would take on his project. Despite his efforts, response was minimal. He didn’t allow the low interest level to wreck his dream. He knew there must be a comic book community in Boston, hiding somewhere, lying deep within the shelves of comic books shops and the halls of art schools. In order to find it, he needed to try harder. He dug through local comic book shops like A Million Year Picnic and New England Comics, he rummaged through hobby conventions, and he even placed a help wanted ad on Craigslist. No bites.

When Kender remained without an artist after months of searching, he decided to change tactics. No longer was he focused on getting his book illustrated. Instead, he had an ever-increasing curiosity to find out where this mythical comic book community in Boston had been for so long.

He went back to Craigslist, and posted an event for all who love comics to join. “I just wanted to see if there was anyone out there that wanted to talk about comics,” Kender says. “And we had to meet every week so there was less of a chance of it falling apart.”

The first meeting of the aptly named Boston Comics Roundtable met in 2006, consisting of only two attendees and Kender. They discussed their favorite comic books and quickly began to gain a strong rapport with each other. “When people realized what we were trying to do, to bring the community together, they told their friends. People were interested.” Kender says. Within a few months time the Roundtable had tripled in size.

Growth in the comic book scene can be also be noticed on a much larger scale. The comic book industry, as a whole, has expanded dramatically over the last few decades. The 80s saw comic books gaining mass critical literary acclaim for the first time. Novels such as The Dark Knight Returns, The Sandman, and Watchmen ushered in an age of more mature and character-driven storylines throughout the industry. Comic books were no longer aimed solely for children and teenagers. The art form had finally been recognized as a medium for storytelling just like any other.

When the BCS meeting ends, the members shuffle out, picking up their work and notes as they leave. Kender waves goodbye, then riffles through his own files. One person, a middle-aged gentleman named Jon Juniman, passes out his newest mini comic. “It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to have fun doing it,” Juniman says, picking up his materials. The small square pamphlet is filled with cartoon versions of him and his wife. His talent for illustration is a hobby that Juniman enjoys exploring when he isn’t working as a software engineer.

This weeks meeting had been a small gathering. Usually Kender runs workshops and discussions with over twenty-five members. “There are over one-hundred rotating members in total,” Kender says. “But they never all show up.” He flips through Hellbound Vol. III. “We see a new face about every week,” he says. “Some people come and realize it isn’t for them, but that’s OK. We are always growing and expanding.”

Hellbound Vol. III marks the BCR’s tenth anthology overall. Shortly after the group was settled, the founding members started work on their first collaboration, Inbound.  However, as they quickly found out, their initial plan was a little too ambitious. “The hill got steeper and steeper, and the ball we were pushing up it got larger and larger,” Kender says. “We knew we had to slim it down.” Inbound Vol ultimately consisted of six stories, each written and illustrated by different members of the group.

As the group grew, and more and more artists and writers turned to the BCR for support and community, the level of their aspirations were finally met. Now, with the group’s continued work, three BCR anthologies in total—Inbound, Outbound, and Hellbound— have been published. “The Roundtable got so big that that it could no longer be a democratic process,” Kender says. “If someone wanted to start a book, they pitched it at a meeting and were in charge of anyone interested.” Because of this system, the roundtable has fostered the creation of ten books that have found their way into comic book shops across the United States.

In addition to the anthologies, comic artists in Boston are still getting their work out for people to see. If an artist doesn’t already have a blog or a website to display his work before joining, the members of the roundtable are urged to take the plunge into the bottomless depths of online comics. Liz Prince, an autobiographical cartoonist from Somerville, has found success in publishing her work online. This energetic woman began her autobiographical web-comic work in college where she felt a calling to write about her life. “I started seeing my life as a comic book in my head,” Prince says. “But I never saw myself as a web cartoonist. Life is a larger narrative.”

Despite her initial wariness, Prince found online publishing a great resource. She drew her quirky strips at a steady rate as she crafted small stories to post online, where she receives positive feedback from the Boston comic community. While her goals were to create longer pieces, Internet publication, for her, allowed for instant gratification. She was allowed to practice her craft as quickly and freely as she wished.

Kender also found the Internet a useful place to publish his work. His commitment to the roundtable led him to many talented artists who would go on to help him build his graduate thesis Rag Box. This story, centered on two orphans who must deal with the death of their parents, slowly took form after the creation of the BCR. “I began having different artists I met through the Roundtable work on different chapters,” he says. “Thematically and artistically, this really worked. There was a progression with the characters that morphed with the characters. It also helped with the logistical problems of a large piece.” His online chapter series is an ever-growing piece of Kender’s life that has matured right alongside the Roundtable itself.

And mature it did. The word got out among the community, and the roundtable gained notoriety as a welcoming and supportive group. Jesse Lonergan, a Somerville artist and writer of Joe & Azat, is using the roundtable as a way to gain different insights and opinions on his fiction. “With previous books I didn’t get a lot of feedback, but with my newest book in the works, I’m hoping to get as much feedback from the community as possible,” Lonergan says. “Members of the community are a great resource. Their input helps my work be as clear as it possibly can.”

After three years of accelerating growth and notoriety, the BCR decided to take a dive into the world of conventions. In 2009 the group ran a table at the annual Zine Fair, where they mingled with other small publications in the area. The setup was small, but the BCR was excited to host its half-table and display their work. Kender and company showcased their work in Inbound as well as other members’ independent material. Their appearance was a rousing success. They realized then that there was no existing arena like this in Boston. Similar to the way Kender had searched for independent artists, people really enjoyed stumbling across independent comic art in Boston. “There are definitely cities with a higher concentration of well-known artists,” Prince says, “But I really think there is a market and a fan base for it here in Boston.”

What David Kender is finding out that there may be more of a fan base than he ever thought possible. A year later, after Zine Library’s annual Zine Fair took an unexpected hiatus, Kender and the roundtable assumed there would be no convention for them to attend that year. Then, they saw an opportunity to host its own comics fair. That year, in conjunction with the Art Institute of Boston, the Massachusetts Independent Comics Expo (M.I.C.E.) was founded. What started as a small show with about 300 attendees has, in just three years time, grew to a convention with 150 exhibitors and over 1,500 attendees. “I feel like before, we were discovering a community that already existed,” Kender says, “but now I feel we are creating the community.”

On the day of M.I.C.E. in 2012, the parking lot of a Lesley University building in Somerville was unusually full for a Sunday afternoon. At the double-glass door entrance, people of all ages walked in and out carrying pamphlets and books dashed with cartoons and dialogue bubbles. This was it, the third annual M.I.C.E.

Inside a commotion of artists and enthusiasts were displaying all of the latest work. Artists and writers stood at rows of brightly colored tables stacked high with books and pamphlets. People milled about socializing, networking, and walking off with the latest work by their favorite local artists. David Kender had a table, smiling as he showcased the latest chapter from his ever-growing Rag Box. Lonergan handed fans and colleagues the first two chapters of his next book, All Star.

The convention, like the years before it, was the social event of the year for this small community, and the production only gets better as the interest grows. “The community really is just people getting together and enjoying what they do,” Kender says, “The Roundtable is here to network, it’s here to learn, and it’s here for people to make comics.”

Photo by: Christopher Weigl Photography

 By nightfall the artists had all packed their bags and taken town their posters and decorations. Handshakes were given, cheeks were kissed, and emails were handed out as the convention goers took their leave. While most have other jobs and responsibilities, it is apparent that comics are much more than a hobby to these people. “It’s an interesting thing, this growth of indie comics, I’m not sure what it is,” Lonergan says, “Comics are kind of this small scene. The people who are into it aren’t going to get famous. They do it because they love it.” No one leaves the convention without a smile.

In his studio in Somerville, Lonergan adds the finishing touches to a fresh panel from his new book. “There’s a certain magic with comic books,” Lonergan says. He fiddles with his unfinished drafts that are strewn about his studio and sorts them into more coherent piles. “There exists a sort of purity and lack of commercialism that is lacking in other media. I love the community in Boston for emphasizing this. It isn’t cliquey—it’s welcoming and supportive.” As the community continues to prosper in Boston, and artists and writers alike tighten and improve their craft, the Boston comic books scene begins to look less and less like a ghost town.

 Now, thanks to the Boston Comics Roundtable, writers and artists in Boston work together to nurture their craft in comic books. More than ever, dedication and innovation is being brought to the indie comic book scene of the Hub. Kender and the roundtable continue to push this small art movement forward and usher in fresh talent to this community. In six years, this art scene has flourished in Boston, and there is no end in sight. 

Have You Ever Wanted to See Your Favorite Characters Dance? Who Hasn't?

Jesse Lonergan is a comic book writer and artist working straight out of Somerville, Mass. Recently, I interviewed him for a piece I'm working on about local Boston artists, and it went swimmingly. He was super welcoming and even allowed me to conduct the interview from his studio, which no other artist yet had allowed.

During the interview I noticed, from the corner of my eye, a brightly illustrated collection of Spider-Man characters. Because I can't help myself when it comes to Spidey, I asked him if I could take a look. He kind of chuckled and grabbed the poster they were drawn on. "They are for my blog, Dancer a Day," he said and he floated it in front of my eyes.

What I saw, without exaggeration, was glorious. It was Spider-man, Hobgoblin, Doctor Octopus, and various other Spidey characters all drawn-- DANCING. Yes, dancing. Gettin' their groove on. Cuttin' a rug. It was too much for my weak constitution to handle. In fear of nerding out all over him I politely thanked him for showing me and tried with desperation to shield my eyes from its greatness.

When I arrived back home, after what I must say was a very successful interview, I was struck down by the realization that he said it was for his blog. TO THE INTERNET!

To say the least, Mr. Lonergan's tumblr is quite a sight to see. It is pages and pages of your favorite fictional characters bringing the funk it. Plus, they are all captioned so perfectly that I could just die on the floor in pure glee. Jesse, are you reading my diary. This is exactly what I wished for.

So, if you can't tell, I think this blog is great. You should check it out here. Also, you should check out some of Lonergan's other work like Flowers & Fade and Joe & Azat. Plus, if you live in Boston and like comics, you should be picking up local artists anyway. You can use Amazon, but I suggest tracking down copies at local shops.

So if I still haven't persuaded you to check it out, here are some of my faves...

The Ultimate "Charlie's Angels" Drinking Game!!!

In preparation for the third semi-annual "Charlie's Angels Movie Viewing Night of Merriment", I have compiled the ultimate list of rules for any good Charlie's Angels viewing party. Some of these were pulled from other noble soldiers who dared drink to this game, and some are my own, but all must be followed. We need to give these Angels the proper respect, now don't we.

So drink merrily, and be forever kick-ass.

Drink a Sip Every Time...

-The Angels change costume.

-The camera goes into "bullet time" or speeds up

-The Angels are naked

-There is a lesbian subtext

-Something happens that is really just technological nonsense, or the Angels know random science facts.

-The Angels utilize their "sex appeal."

-The Angels are in disguise

-Natalie dances

-Natalie and Pete flirt

-Charlie's voice is heard

-Anytime the “Creepy thin man” shows up.

-Anytime Alex is bad at cooking and/or is awkward. 

-All three Angels are sitting on the same couch.

Take a Shot Ever Time...

-The "real" bad guy is revealed.

THESE RULES ALSO APPLY FOR THE AMAZING SEQUEL, CHARLIE'S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE!!!

Good luck Angels...

Movie Review: Pitch Perfect

Alright, before I get this review rolling, I have a confession to make: I'm in an a cappella group.

Yeah, that's right. And we're called Acappellics Anonymous. Get over it.

It isn't a huge secret or anything, but often when people learn this about me they kind of smirk and laugh a bit to themselves, then put on serious face as if they don't think it's rediculous. Well you know what? It is ridiculous. A cappella music, at its core, is silly, over the top, and just about the nerdiest thing someone can do, but I love it. You see, no matter how weird singing all a cappella arrangements to pop songs can be, it is still just one of the funnest things ever.

So when I heard that a movie was being made about collegiate a cappella groups, I just about died. During my college experience, being in an a cappella group has been one of my greatest experiences. I've made amazing friends, won some awesome competitions, and been able to sing my little heart out. My hopes were that this movie, in its infinite potential, would show just how great, albeit strange, a cappella can be.

With that in mind Pitch Perfect, from the opening scene, is very up front about what it is and what it is here to do. It isn't here to win any oscars, or even any grammy's,  but it is here to win a few hearts.

The story follows Becca (Anna Kendrick), a totally rad chick who wants to be a DJ and move to Los Angeles, not attend college like her dad wants. Upon her father's bargain to try out school for at least a year and become involved in an extracurricular activity, Becca begrudgingly auditions for the down-and-out Barden Bellas, an all female a cappella group that tragically lost last years nationals competition, along with most of its members. Along the way, the new batch of motley recruits must work together in order to get their act together in order to win the nationals a cappella competition. And, along the way, they may just learn a valuable lesson or two.

Ok, so sure, it has some pretty standard movie tropes. There's the underdogs, the distanced main character, and a plucky love interest that somehow puts up with all of Becca's bullshit. However, at the same time, the movie is constantly moving and somehow turning these tropes on their heads with clever jokes and physical humor. Like I said, it is completely and totally aware of just how silly a cappella competitions can be. Instead of taking themselves too seriously, they allow a large amount of room for a healthy dose of meta-humor and off the wall comedy. Sure, you probably will be able to guess most of what's going to happen, but you will have a hell of a time despite that.

"What, you mad?"

The cast also does a great job of striking just the right balance of puppy-like cuteness and raunchy sensibility. The lot of them are pretty damn funny and even allow to paint it on a little thick from time to time for effect. They are smart girls who are playing it smart. Too much in either direction would have been a mess, but because of their efforts the movie sticks comfortably between heart warming and bat-shit crazy. Also,  I dare anyone to look at Anna Kendrick's face and not fall in love with her. Double-dog-dare.

LOOK AT IT!!!

Rounding out the group we also have Brittany Snow (in the "what has she been doing?" category), Anna Camp, and Rebel Wilson. They nail their comedic timing, but also have surprisingly nice voices. Nothing that is going to blow you away, mind you, but completely cute and functional singing voices.

As adorable as Anna may always be perpetually and for all time, it is often Rebel Wilson who steals the show. Her off-color one liners will, in many scenes, be the saving grace that holds it all together. Now, while you are watching the movie you may not notice it, but afterwords you may realize her character, called "Fat" Amy, is less of a character and more of a gag machine. It doesn't make or break the movie, but it's still something that can feel a little disappointing.

In fact, my only real gripe with Pitch Perfect is how thin the characters can be at times. In order to get all of the chart topping numbers crammed into this little movie, most of the character development is kind of shaved down the bare minimum. Yet, the movie, in its ever wise understanding of movie pitfalls, calls to attention that some characters have "been there the whole time" even if the audience has never really noticed. It's pretty funny, and also refreshing in a world of movies that try desperately to hide these inevitable movie downsides.

So, yeah, Pitch Perfect isn't in fact perfect, but it gets pretty close. Take all of the film's high points and join it with some killer a cappella arrangements, and you have a movie that will have you smiling and cheering in spite of yourself.

Just make sure you are aca-prepared to have some fun.

How Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight Films are Weirdly Like The Simpsons Movie

Batmam and The Simpsons: two trademarks that are synonymous with America pop culture. For much of the 90's you couldn't walk town the street without catching a glance at a bright yellow bat symbol, or a t-shirt splattered with one of Bart Simpson's catchphrases. These two entities have finessed themselves into nearly every pocket of the media including comic books, television, and countless children's happy meal toys

However, the two entities could not be more different.

One tells the adventures of an orphaned billionaire who moonlights as a masked vigilante in the troubled and corrupt Gotham City, while the other follows the wacky hijinks of a dysfunctional middle class family in the small town of Springfield, Anywhere. See, different. Both awesome, but, you know, different.

In the mid-2000's both properties found themselves at the top of the box office charts. The Simpsons, after two decades on the air, had finally succeeded at the big-budget picture fan's had been looking forward to for years. Around the same time, Christopher Nolan was gaining praise for his realistic Batman film series starting with Batman Begins and concluding with The Dark Knight Rises just this past summer.

Weirdly enough, upon closer inspection, The Simpsons Movie as well The Dark Knight Trilogy, have some pretty striking similarities. "That's crazy," you say. "Nolan's realistic crime drama is nothing like Matt Groening's satirical animated family."

Well, guess what, they totally are. And here's why.



1) Russ Cargill from The Simpsons Movie and Ra's Al Ghul from The Dark Knight Trilogy are basically the same character.

Think about it. Both Cargill and Al Ghul are the head of an organization that most people don't know about. Ra's Al Ghul runs the League of Shadows, a group of assassins that work in secret to rid the world of evil, no matter the cost. Russ Cargill is the head of the Environmental Protection Agency, an agency that is slightly lack luster and has little pull with the government. In fact, even Cargill admits that the EPA is "the least successful government agency." For one reason of another the groups that these two men lead have their own level of anonymity. 

Also, both of these two men sought to abuse their power to destroy an entire city due to pollution. For Ra's Al Ghul it was the pollution of corruption, greed, and hate that seems to spew out of Gotham and into the world at large. His life's work was to rid the world of evil, so destroying Gotham and killing everyone that lives inside, to him, seemed the most effective way to wipe out this "evil". 

Ok, no one ever said he was an entirely rational man.

He is, however, still a BAMF.

Russ Cargill, on the other hand, planned to rid Springfield due to its pollution of...well, pollution. In The Simpsons Movie the town had become so overrun with garbage and filth due to the townspeoples' lovable ignorance that Cargill eventually decides just to completely destroy the town and its inhabitants, effectively cutting off the possible environmental impacts it may poison the world with.

In their spare time these two also run a youth "Give a Hoot, Don't Pollute" program, of EVIL.



2) Marge Simpson chooses the protection of her city over a long standing romantic relationship, much like Bruce Wayne.

Near the climax of The Simpsons Movie after the Simpsons have escaped an isolated Springfield and made a new life for themselves in Alaska, Marge suddenly learns that Cargill has planned to completely obliterate Springfield and all the inhabitants inside of it. When she decided to pull up stakes in order to go save her friends, she asks her husband, Homer (duh, you know who Marge Simpson is married to), to trust her in her decision. 

This moment mirrors Homer's plea to Marge earlier in the film to trust his outlandish decision to move the family all the way to Alaska while on the run from the EPA. Homer, in the moment, is not capable of the same understanding that Marge had earlier in the film and completely objects to the notion of leaving their comfortable new set-up. Hurt, Marge takes the kids and departs in the night to save her town, leaving Homer alone and heartbroken. To make him understand that this is the last shot she is giving her screw-up husband, she tapes the message over their wedding video.

Bruce Wayne has a similar connection to his city of Gotham. Throughout Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, Bruce Wayne and Rachel Dawes constantly struggle with their life-long romantic tension. Rachel totally has Wayne Fever, but she knows that their relationship would never work unless Bruce discarded the Batman persona in order to have a normal life with Rachel.

As you can probably guess, or if you aren't a space alien and have seen these movies, Bruce Wayne can't quite give up being Batman. For as much as he feels that Gotham must have the Batman to help it on its way to recovery and redemption, it is also a pivotal part of who he is. But Rachel, true to her word, chooses not to be with Bruce until the day he can finally give up his double life. Unfortunately, Bruce can't let that happen until Gotham has the hero it "needs", which is basically never since Gotham is always in need of saving and whatnot.

Things end up much better for Homer and Marge, who reconcile after Homer comes to save the day. Bruce and Rachel? Well, that relationship kind of blew up in smoke. (pause for laughter)



3) The EPA, as well as Bane, isolate a U.S. city from the rest of the world, preventing all movement in or out.

Sure, Russ Cargill used his influence with the EPA to put a giant, nearly unbreakable dome, over the city of Springfield while Bane isolated Gotham by blocking the tunnels and destroying the bridges into the island, but the theory of their actions remain the same. They locked everyone in and they blocked everyone out. becoming radical terrorists for the "good" of mankind. 

I mean, the trope of blocking off a city and holding the people prisoner is hardly a new concept. In fact, lets be real, it's one of the oldest war tactics there are, but the similarities between these two are striking. They are able to control and isolate a city not entirely with physical force or manpower, but by making it nearly impossible to to leave. 

The citizens of both cities are even teased by the diluting possibility of escape. Bane, in his nefarious hold on the city, leaves one bridge undestroyed. However, if one were to cross it, he would destroy the city even sooner than scheduled. Russ Cargill, after a time, leaves a small hole open at the tippy-top of the dome open for all to see. Several try to climb a rope and out to freedom, but no one is able to make it out.

Hmm, that also reminds me of another hole someone tried to climb out of once...

4) Once the city is blocked off, supporting characters lifted themselves up to self-elected positions of power.

Somehow, whether we cared or not, the character of Jonathan Crane (A.K.A. The Scarecrow) made it into every single one of Nolan's Batman movies. Sure, it gave the films a close-to-funny cameo in films that are almost completely devoid of humor, and also established even more continuity within itself, but for the most part, it was pretty unnecessary.

After Bane releases nearly every Gotham criminal out of prison near the end of The Dark Knight Rises, Dr. Crane quickly established himself as the Super Evil Judge of Everything. As silly as it may have been for the character to appear again, it did work well to demonstrate the ever deteriorating foundation of Gotham's judicial system while criminals merrily overran the city with their annoying after-prison potluck. Or, you know, whatever it is that they do.

To make things worse, Crane then begins issuing the choice of either exile or death to Gotham's elite and wealthy. The irony is, however, that both options ultimately end in death. Very clever, Mr. Scarecrow.

Well, it turns out that when cities get completely blocked off from the rest of civilization, only the mildly interesting people come out of the woodwork to take control. When Springfield was at it's lowest point it was Moe, the man who ran Springfield's worst bar, who ascended to power. When Marge asks Moe why he is dressed in an old bathrobe with a traffic cone on his head he replies, "Well, I don't like to brag, but I am now the Emperor of Springfield."

Above: The Second Worst Political Figure of 2007 *Ba-Dum-Bum*

5) A giant ticking bomb was the last resort to rid the world of these two cities.

Now, I have severe issues with the use of ticking bombs as a plot devise in almost any story. It's overused and honestly just a cheap way for the writers to build tension before a big finale. The fact that Nolan's subtle and beautiful Batman series ended with such an overdone and unrealistic scenario still pisses me off, but whatever. I'm not going to gripe about it. Much.

In The Dark Knight Rises it appears that Wayne Enterprises had apparently been building a big ol' fusion reactor underneath the harbor of the city. Of course, after you see it, you instantly know that Bane is going to march in there about an hour after it's introduced and demand that he turn it into a huge fucking bomb. Because, of course, it's always just that easy. Most multi-billion dollar government project meant to do the world good can instantly be made into a convenient weapon without, without any relation to the rest of the film's plot. 

Ok, sorry, I'll stop. Back on track.

When the ticking bomb is used in the The Simpsons Movie as a way for Russ Cargill to destroy evidence of his mad attack on Springfield, I can let it slide. The Simpsons, for the most part, is silly and satirical. He could have tried to overrun the city with rabid chinchillas and it would have worked, because it's The Simpsons, and being ridiculous is part of its charm. Also because chinchillas totally rule, and need to be in more movies. 

In the end, both Homer Simpson and Bruce Wayne risk their lives to carry the bomb far outside the city limits and away from the blast radius. Somehow, along the way, the also work on their daddy issues 
that have been causing their severe and total disfunction for their entire lives.

Above: Daddy issues.

Nerd Rant: Why The Amazing Spider-Man's 50th Anniversary Was So Disappointing

This week Spidey turns 50.

That's right, 50 years ago this week (roughly) the character of Peter Parker/Spider-Man was first shown swinging through the pages of Amazing Fantasy #15.

Now, as my favorite comic book character, as well as the first comic book I ever picked up, Spider-Man holds a very dear place in my heart. This anniversary marks a huge a milestone not only for Spidey, but also Marvel and the comic industry as a whole. It is truly a feat that a character of such humble origins, the epitome of the "every man", can still be thriving after all these years.

So, after five decades of stories, you would think that Peter Parker would get a pretty fantastic anniversary issue, right? Yeah, so did I.

The problem is, at the moment the man behind the wheel of the Spider-Man vehicle is Dan Slott, a writer that I have never been too fond of. If you ask comic fans about Slott you will get several different answers from him being the greatest Spider-Man writer ever to being a complete hack that shouldn't be allowed in the Marvel offices. I tend to fall somewhere in the middle, finding Slott's work to be entirely inconsistent. He can move from issues that are grossly campy and ridiculous to stories that take themselves far far too seriously. His dialogue is amateur, for the most part, and his contribution to the Spider-Man mythos over the last five years is arguably very minimal. For someone coming off of J. Michael Straczynski's monumental run, he in no way stacks up.

Now that isn't saying that Slott doesn't have any winners (The Grim Hunt), or that some of his creations (Carlie Cooper, Mr. Negative) aren't great additions to the Spider-Man saga, but overall I have never found him a great fit for Spider-Man. He has just never been able to find the balance between real life joy and the dark sadness that often overwhelms the character and his world.

Whoo, ok, I'm glad I got that out of my system.

So, now I am going to start talking about this particular issue pretty negatively, but before I do I want to remind you that I still want you to buy it. It's the anniversary issue, and the extra stories not written by Slott are actually pretty entertaining. So just buy it, ok?  Thanks.

Ok, first off, this is barely a Spider-Man story, but instead one more focused on the new character, Alpha. So right off the bat it's a bit of a slap in the face. I want more Spider-Man in this Spider-Man's-Been-On-the-Freaking-Shelves-for-50-Years book. It's like if you went to a guys birthday party and he just played with his dog in the backyard the whole time. Like, why'd you even go, huh?

Apparently Slott wanted to give Spider-Man a sidekick so badly that he went ahead and shoehorned a terrible origin story within this issue. To shorthand it, it's totally Peter Parkers fault. Somehow, due to a particle that Peter magically discovers at Horizon Labs between the last two issues, some irritating kid gets like all the best super powers ever. It's seriously like presto-chango and the kid is lifting trucks over his head and flying. Haven't we learned that that doesn't work anymore? Sure, in the 60's giving characters super powers was something you got out of the way quickly so you could get to the action, but now, as readers have matured, we want to see the real consequences of power. If is was that easy, Mr. Slott, then everyone would have them.

In fact, Dan Slott just loves giving away super powers. During his ridiculous Spider-Island crossover literally all of New York City was crawling up walls and trowing punches. By making the process too easy you lose the uniqueness and believability of these characters.

Ok, fine, whatever, we got Alpha the fucking kid wonder in the story now. I'll just have to move on and deal with it.

So that's about the whole main issue. Spider-Man tries to take Alpha under his wing because, I don't know, he feels bad about making the kid awesome or something. Then he does a pretty terrible job at keeping the kid on a leash, which leads to no one learning anything. The issue is neither very funny nor emotionally resonating and it isn't hard to see that this was basically an excuse to introduce Alpha for one reason or another.

The art by Humberto Ramos is as good and clean as ever, but I've also just never been a fan of him as a Spider-Man artist. I think the man is talented, but his tell-tale caricatured lines just have no place in a Spider-Man comic book. I've said this before, but Peter Parker in the everyman. He, out of all the heroes of the Marvel Universe, is the one that is constantly the most relatable and down to earth. Why then, must we have both a writer that can't keep the character in a believable scenario for two seconds, and an artist who's style is incredibly cartoony and over the top?

Well, at least we get some beautiful variant covers that showcase the highlights from Spider-Mans five decades of print.

The other two stories in this over-sized issue, written by Dean Haspiel and Joshua Hale Fialkov, are cute and plucky and both end nicely, but ultimately don't really carry any real weight. The Fialkov story in particular may have you d'ahh-ing, but once you have closed the issue you will probably find yourself forgetting them pretty quickly.

So, still go buy it. It's something that, as a product, is just neat to own. Plus, you are going to want to know about Alpha as Slott rolls into issue #700 this December.

Let's just hope the rumors are true and Slott will be stepping down as writer after the New Year.