Nerd Rant: Why The Amazing Spider-Man's 50th Anniversary Was So Disappointing

This week Spidey turns 50.

That's right, 50 years ago this week (roughly) the character of Peter Parker/Spider-Man was first shown swinging through the pages of Amazing Fantasy #15.

Now, as my favorite comic book character, as well as the first comic book I ever picked up, Spider-Man holds a very dear place in my heart. This anniversary marks a huge a milestone not only for Spidey, but also Marvel and the comic industry as a whole. It is truly a feat that a character of such humble origins, the epitome of the "every man", can still be thriving after all these years.

So, after five decades of stories, you would think that Peter Parker would get a pretty fantastic anniversary issue, right? Yeah, so did I.

The problem is, at the moment the man behind the wheel of the Spider-Man vehicle is Dan Slott, a writer that I have never been too fond of. If you ask comic fans about Slott you will get several different answers from him being the greatest Spider-Man writer ever to being a complete hack that shouldn't be allowed in the Marvel offices. I tend to fall somewhere in the middle, finding Slott's work to be entirely inconsistent. He can move from issues that are grossly campy and ridiculous to stories that take themselves far far too seriously. His dialogue is amateur, for the most part, and his contribution to the Spider-Man mythos over the last five years is arguably very minimal. For someone coming off of J. Michael Straczynski's monumental run, he in no way stacks up.

Now that isn't saying that Slott doesn't have any winners (The Grim Hunt), or that some of his creations (Carlie Cooper, Mr. Negative) aren't great additions to the Spider-Man saga, but overall I have never found him a great fit for Spider-Man. He has just never been able to find the balance between real life joy and the dark sadness that often overwhelms the character and his world.

Whoo, ok, I'm glad I got that out of my system.

So, now I am going to start talking about this particular issue pretty negatively, but before I do I want to remind you that I still want you to buy it. It's the anniversary issue, and the extra stories not written by Slott are actually pretty entertaining. So just buy it, ok?  Thanks.

Ok, first off, this is barely a Spider-Man story, but instead one more focused on the new character, Alpha. So right off the bat it's a bit of a slap in the face. I want more Spider-Man in this Spider-Man's-Been-On-the-Freaking-Shelves-for-50-Years book. It's like if you went to a guys birthday party and he just played with his dog in the backyard the whole time. Like, why'd you even go, huh?

Apparently Slott wanted to give Spider-Man a sidekick so badly that he went ahead and shoehorned a terrible origin story within this issue. To shorthand it, it's totally Peter Parkers fault. Somehow, due to a particle that Peter magically discovers at Horizon Labs between the last two issues, some irritating kid gets like all the best super powers ever. It's seriously like presto-chango and the kid is lifting trucks over his head and flying. Haven't we learned that that doesn't work anymore? Sure, in the 60's giving characters super powers was something you got out of the way quickly so you could get to the action, but now, as readers have matured, we want to see the real consequences of power. If is was that easy, Mr. Slott, then everyone would have them.

In fact, Dan Slott just loves giving away super powers. During his ridiculous Spider-Island crossover literally all of New York City was crawling up walls and trowing punches. By making the process too easy you lose the uniqueness and believability of these characters.

Ok, fine, whatever, we got Alpha the fucking kid wonder in the story now. I'll just have to move on and deal with it.

So that's about the whole main issue. Spider-Man tries to take Alpha under his wing because, I don't know, he feels bad about making the kid awesome or something. Then he does a pretty terrible job at keeping the kid on a leash, which leads to no one learning anything. The issue is neither very funny nor emotionally resonating and it isn't hard to see that this was basically an excuse to introduce Alpha for one reason or another.

The art by Humberto Ramos is as good and clean as ever, but I've also just never been a fan of him as a Spider-Man artist. I think the man is talented, but his tell-tale caricatured lines just have no place in a Spider-Man comic book. I've said this before, but Peter Parker in the everyman. He, out of all the heroes of the Marvel Universe, is the one that is constantly the most relatable and down to earth. Why then, must we have both a writer that can't keep the character in a believable scenario for two seconds, and an artist who's style is incredibly cartoony and over the top?

Well, at least we get some beautiful variant covers that showcase the highlights from Spider-Mans five decades of print.

The other two stories in this over-sized issue, written by Dean Haspiel and Joshua Hale Fialkov, are cute and plucky and both end nicely, but ultimately don't really carry any real weight. The Fialkov story in particular may have you d'ahh-ing, but once you have closed the issue you will probably find yourself forgetting them pretty quickly.

So, still go buy it. It's something that, as a product, is just neat to own. Plus, you are going to want to know about Alpha as Slott rolls into issue #700 this December.

Let's just hope the rumors are true and Slott will be stepping down as writer after the New Year.

Comic Book Pick O' the Week!: Spider-Men #4

When I first heard the idea behind the Spider-Men limited series I could just smell gimmick all over it. Bringing the two Spider-Men from separate dimensions (616 Spidey, or real Peter Parker, and the 1610 Ultimate Spidey, or Miles Morales) felt like a cheap ploy to get people to buy books. The kind of "gee-wiz" stories that pitted Superman against Spider-Man in the 1970's. Surely nothing that would have any real consequence on these beloved characters.

Well, boy, was I wrong.

Lets first do a little history lesson on the two Spider-Men.

Peter Parker of Earth 616 is the Peter that we all know and love. Bitten by a radioactive spider, gets awesome powers, Uncle Ben dies, fights crime in spandex. You get the idea. He's the character that for the last 50 years has spanned comic books, television, and movies. He's you're original, and favorite, Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man.

However, in the early 2000's writer Brian Michael Bendis was assigned to create a new comic book, set in a completely alternate reality, that brought Peter Parker back to high school and reformulated the Spider-Man mythos for a modern era. What came of that idea was Ultimate Spider-Man, and guess what, it was totally awesome. Bendis not only created a whole new way to look at the wall-crawler, but also reworked just how superhero stories were done. Long over-arching story lines, more realistic and believable heroes and villains, and wonderfully done character development. It was truly the new benchmark.

Then they fucking killed him.

Yeah, they did. And not in the he'll-come-back-in-like-two-issues kind of dead, but dead. Dead dead.

Since in the Ultimate Marvel Universe dead really means dead Peter Parker of 1610 really made the ultimate sacrifice (pun intended). While trying to save Aunt May, Gwen Stacy, and Mary-Jane Watson from the murderous and oh so insane Norman Osborn, Peter Parker laid down his life.

The aftermath was beautiful and tragic in a way only Brian Michael Bendis could do, and it rocked the Ultimate Universe to its very core.

Luck, of course, would have it that another kid, Miles Morales, also gained super cool spider powers and now takes up the mantle as Spider-Man in order to bring even more honor to his legacy.

Get all that? Good. Moving on.

Now in Spider-Men the alive and kicking Peter Parker finds himself transported by Mysterio into the Ultimate Universe where he runs into Miles Morales. Now, as the limited series unfolds, Peter begins to learn more about his counterpart and the sacrifices he made. As they try to find out just what brought Peter over they also begin to chip away at all the tragedy from both sides of the dimensional rift.

What makes issue #4 so spectacular is that after 3 issues as beating around the bush we finally see Peter interact with the still grief stricken Aunt May, Gwen Stacy, and Mary-Jane.

These conversations, while weird on paper, are beautifully written. The concept, while great in previous issues, really begins to pay off here. These aren't easy discussions to have, and for much of the issue these characters don't quite know how to handle seeing loved ones from beyond the grave. They have so much to say but also so much to hide. While Bendis does skirt away from the more destructive realizations, these panels really hit home. He certainly has readers in eager anticipation to see how he will finish up this arc, and how potentially, these characters could interact once again.

Sara Pichelli also lends fantastic artwork to the series as a whole. Bendis went on record saying that he would not do Spider-Men without Pichelli to accompany him, and it turns out he made the right choice. This book relies heavily on the smaller character driven moments, and Pichelli certainly knowns how to deliever. She makes the characters endearing and heart-wrenchingly real while still making them very much animated comic-book entities. Her actions sequences aren't too shabby either, however they are certainly not the highlight.

Now, if you aren't familiar with Ultimate Spider-Man and the legacy Bendis created, then this book isn't going to make a whole lot of sense to you. But, also, on the flip-side, what the hell is wrong with you? Go out and buy some of the trade paperbacks of Bendis's work right this minute. You'll be glad you did.

Then, of course, read Spider-Men, because it's rad.

Undercover Tourist: The Mapparium

If you have never heard of The Mapparium, don't feel bad, because either had I. Mykah had taken a trip there with some friends from home and told me it was a must see.

Yeah, I wasn't going to fall for that. What Mykah "Learning is Fun" Murphy passes for a good time isn't always rootin-tootin, and considering that the Mapparium is basically just a big map I wasn't entirely sold. Turns out, I was wrong, learning can be fun.

It isn't an expensive trip, or a lengthy one, but The Mapparium was certainly worth a look. It's located in the Mary Baker Eddy Library, a big repository for all of Eddy's work, and is literally a three story tall glass globe that you walk into. The best part is you need to walk through the Hall of Ideas, yes, the Hall of Ideas, to get there. Then you just answer a secret riddle and ride a unicorn to get through the Doors of Wonder.

The Mapparium is not a modern map, but rather the same map from from the year it was made, 1935. Apparently, at some point, there were plans to scrap all of the old stained glass in there and update the information, but due mainly to budget reasons it never happened. Now the exhibit stands as a very large and incredibly breakable historic document, as well as a testament to being a cheap bastard.

                                                             Source: Wikipedia

Now, as you can expect, standing in the center of a giant glass sphere also has some cool acoustics. After a short presentation of the map and all of its map-like features, the guide encourages you to try out the different tricks you can do with your voice. That means either standing on the edges and whispering all the way to the other side or standing in the middle and hearing your voice bounce around like the voices in your heard that tell you to burn things.

So go. I wouldn't say go out of your way to see it, but if you are even in the area you should totally swing by. Its like, 5 bucks, and if for nothing else it's kind of like being Professor X and controlling Cerebro in X-Men.

Only, you know, not entirely freaking awesome.

Comic Book Pick O' the Week!: Hawkeye #1

Hawkeye, aka Clint Barton, is a bit of an anomaly in the Marvel Universe. He doesn't have any super powers, he isn't an alien, and he isn't a super-hot chick. By that logic then he shouldn't be much of an interesting comic book superhero. Even though he may hang out with Wolverine and the Hulk he is, for the most part, a pretty average guy. Yeah, sure, he's the "greatest sharp shooter known to man", but he is still in a pretty compromising position when one of those pesky alien invasions pop up, which they always seem to do.

Now, for those in the know, we understand that the opposite is true. Sure, Mr. Barton may not be able to fly or throw a semi-truck into a super-baddie, but he is anything but boring. The man has gone from small-time villain, to Avenger, to even dead for a spell then resurrected. Currently the leader of the New Avengers, Hawkeye has proven time and time again that just because he is normal that in no way means he is average.

With Matt Fraction behind the helm of the Hawk's new ongoing series we are being show just how great this hero can be.

From the very start of the issue we learn quickly that this isn't going to be a conventional super-hero comic book. The opening description of the book is snappy and a bit tongue-in-cheek..

"Clint Barton, a.k.a Hawkeye, became the greatest sharp-shooter known to man. He then joined the Avengers. This is what he does when he's not being an Avenger. That's all you need to know."

We are being told a few things here:
1) If you only know Hawkeye from the new Avengers movie, then don't be afraid to try out this new comic.
2) Matt Fraction is shaping up to have a new and dynamic take on this old character.
3) Your day just got  a whole bunch better.

And your day just got a whole bunch better because this book is awesome, however not in the conventional in-your-face way. It isn't full of explosions or huge action sequences. Instead it shows us a very humanized Clint Barton who desperately tries to do the right thing even when he isn't standing next to Captain America and Iron man. At the start we see a Clint Barton hospitalized and almost completely broken after a hero-ing that goes sour. From there, as he tries to put the pieces of his life back together, we are treated to one of the best stand alone stories I've read in quite some time. Here is a Barton that has real flaws and who also hangs up the suit from time to time, just like everyone else.

With David Aja's art we get an even deeper sense of the book's direction. While the pencils remain sparse they are in no way simple. Aja is able to capture the wide range of emotions that flow from panel to panel, while still focusing in on the humanity and humor of everyday life. I was instantly surprised by the book's look, and found myself going back just to review all of the the beautiful panels and clever cuts. It is a layered beast that allows itself to be not only gritty and tragic but also funny and charming.

So, as you can see, I liked Hawkeye #1. It's doing different things than most superhero stories, and should be recognized for doing something a little ballsy. Matt Fraction's take is an adult and thought provoking adaptation of Hawkeye, and I'm certainly interested. Bring on the next issue!