The Four Phases of Playing the Mario Kart Drinking Game

The Mario Kart Drinking Game. It's an event I've tried to host for years and finally, as of last week, gathered some friends to splice a fond childhood memory with one of our more adult hobbies: drinking. You see, getting people excited to play The Mario Kart Drinking Game (MKDG for short) is one thing, but actually convincing them to gorge themselves on beer and enjoy a little risk-free drunk driving is much harder in practice.

Once you do though, it's a night to remember.

I mean, at least try to remember it, guys.

For those unfamiliar with the  Mario Kart Drinking Game, the rules are pretty simple. First, you'll need a few things:

1) Some close friends (you know, the ones who wont judge you for chugging down too many beers then throwing an unforgiving blue shell in their face.)

2) Copious amounts of cheap, drinkable beer.

3) A copy of your favorite version of Mario Kart. (This game does, however, work best with Mario Kart 64 as you wont have any pesky computer players getting in the way during multiplayer.)

After that it's smooth sailing on a sea of PBR and Bud Light.

Like this but smoother and more metaphoric. 

Rules are as follows:

You must drink the entirety of your beer before you reach the finish line. If you cross and it's not empty, you forfeit. Also, you can't drink while you're driving because, you know, safety first. When
and where you choose to stop is entirely up to you. Perhaps you down your beer right after the buzzer, or gain a significant lead and pull over. It's up to you. Be strategic. Or don't. I don't care. You'll still get a beer in the end whether you win or lose.

Also there's one last rule that states if someone chooses Princess Peach as their character you have to mock them through the whole race. But that's dumb and sexist and gross. Save that sort of thing for Mario Party.

Got it? Good. Because I'm here to lay down the Four Phases of Playing the Mario Kart Drinking Game and the Rainbow Road of emotions that stem from it.

Phase 1: Childhood Flashback

Ah! How fast the bliss of your youth returns when an N64 controller slips smoothly into your hands; the age-old question of "what games even use the d-pad" rattling around in your mind.

Don't lie and act like you didn't just use the C buttons.

It's hard not to get nostalgic when you and a few friends gather in the living room and sit on the floor around the TV, arguing over who gets the coolest controller. Side note: the coolest controller is in fact the limited edition yellow Donkey Kong controller with ends that look like bananas but it was 100$ at the used video game store and I'm not an oil tycoon, ok?

Then you pick your character. Honestly EVERYONE has an opinion on who's the best, but really it's all about driving style. That's why I choose Toad every time. Papa loves that sweet-sweet acceleration. After grumblings end and we've calmly settled the debate of who get's to play as Yoshi, it's time to pick a track.

But does anyone actually play as Bowser? Bowser Players Pride 2016.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Let's play Bowser's Castle! Let's do Rainbow Road! Whoah-whoah. Slow down there, partner. We gotta take it slow. I know you're excited, but act like you've been there. Start with Luigi Raceway and work your way up. This is going to be a long night.

Phase 2: Oh Shit, This is Harder Than I Remember

Red. Yellow. Green. Crack your beer. Or red, red, blue depending on what version you play. Like, what the hell, Lakitu? What kind of traffic light is red, red again, and then blue. You had one job. Go kart safety is no joke.

You smug son of a bitch.

So everyone has their own way of playing the MKDG, but my preferred method is to drink as much as I can right when the buzzer goes off. Most likely all of your friends will screw up the timing for the extra boost and be left squealing their wheels while you down it.  But really, whatever works for you. The Mario Kart Drinking Game is a marathon, not a sprint.

Why was Sonic never a playable character? Oh that's right, it makes no sense. 

But, damn, was I better at this as a kid. Maybe it's my slowly decaying body's slower reflexes, or maybe it's that half a beer I guzzled before I even pressed the A button. The world may never know. Anyway you look at it you'll probably have to scrape off some rust on the ol' MK skills. Remember: drifting is for the pros. Don't try to write that check if your butt can't cash it. It'll only lead to humiliation and a lot of time spent in the grass/dirt/water/land of shame.

Phase 3: Being a Petty Bitch

So you've had a couple beers and you're on a winning streak. Doesn't mean there's any room for trash talk. Unless you're anything like me then in which case there's a shit ton of room for trash talk. Oh, you think you're going to get ahead of me? Eat red shell. Oh, yeah, by the way I was holding on to that weapon for a lap and a half. Don't start shit you can't finish.

But seriously, you thought you were competitive when you were a kid? Try being an adult with three...four? How many beers was it? Who cares? It's on like Donkey Kong. And if you're actually playing as Donkey Kong then it's extra on.

Lol, later bitches.

And don't forget those short cuts. If you're cocky enough to take them after a few drinks it's high risk, big reward. Just don't get mad when someone mocks you when you fail, you stupid clumsy bitch.

Phase 4: Euphoria

I can only assume this is the kind of high a marathon runner experiences at around mile 17. Granted I'm going on very little information since I've never run a marathon and 100% never will, but this is pretty phenomenal. Drinking, laughing, and racing with your friends is a hell of an evening. For one night you get to be big, dumb kids again because during the MKDG there are no worries, there are no taxes, and there are no terrifying Republican candidates. It's just you guys and the open Rainbow Road.

What I found is that there are few things better than a night with good friends, good brews, and a little Mario Kart. I hope you all get the chance to enjoy at least one night tearing up the tracks while slugging down some beers with your pals because you're all wonderful and you all deserve it.