Movie Review: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Ok, so lets start out by talking about the novel, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, by Seth Grahame-Smith. 

I urge all of you to go out and read it. 

Honestly. You may not believe me, but it is an intelligent genre mash-up that lends itself to an incredibly gripping and original character driven story.  Also, it is fantastically researched and shockingly accurate. A lot of the fun of the book comes from trying to figure out just what is reality and what is fantasy. On several occasions I began to forget that Honest Abe didn't actually fight creatures of the night, and in my delusion I loved every minute of it. 

But we aren't here to talk about the book, now are we. No no, we are here to discuss the film adaptation directed by Timur Bekmambetov and starring Benjamin Walker as the titular president. 

I urge all of you to avoid it like the plague.

"But Raymond", you say, "Seth Grahame-Smith is the screen writer and Timur Bekmambetov has given us several visually interesting movies. What could go wrong?"

Apparently everything.

The film follows Abraham Lincoln, the man on the five dollar bill, the man who ended slaver in the United States, from childhood to his famous and well documented presidency. However, what you may not know, is that the man was also one of the world's greatest hunter of vampires, a league of creatures that once held a terrible grip on the United States. After a vampire murders his mother, young Abe takes up the mantle to kill every blood-sucker in the Union. As his political life develops and the civil war looms, Abe's connection to vampires begins to have an ever more important and terrifying connection. 

From the start of the movie the story we grew to begrudgingly love is stripped away for a much more streamlined, however bland, recount of Lincoln's viscous hunt for vampires. Gone is the deep character development of Abraham Lincoln as his blood lust leads to an ever increasingly tragic life. Gone is the moving friendship dynamic between Abe and Henry, a benevolent and patient vampire teacher who suability pushes Abraham towards far greater aspirations. Gone is historical accuracy that drives you deeper into the fantastical world. Gone, basically, is everything that once made the concept fun, smart, and scary. 

What we are left with is a movie that tries to be dark, tries to be gritty, tries to have all the things the book has but fails. Hard. At a certain point in the film the rest of audience and myself began to realize that this movie was a complete joke. However, unfortunately, the film itself never realizes this, instead turing into an over dramatic half-baked horror fantasy that just happens to have some historical names in it. 

Entire rules of physics are destroyed, Abraham Lincoln's actual life story is pissed all over, and all of the terror and beautiful supernatural metaphors are gone. What is left is 105 minutes of your life that you will never get back. Even if this was just a really loose interpretation of the book I could forgive its downfalls if the movie at least had a working story, but it doesn't. Instead, the director just fills in the holes of the plot with nameless Femme Fatales and bad, cartoony, CGI. 

Above: Bad, cartoony, CGI. 

Unfortunately, the cast isn't able to save this skeleton of a story. Most of them seem slightly confused as to why exactly they are there, and the ones who feel confident about there roles are simply trying too hard. Due to this rarely does any real emotion come across on the screen. The highs are Brady Bunch and the lows are As the World Turns without any real room for any middle ground. 

I suppose it wasn't all bad though. For starters, the movie is fucking beautiful. Even with all of the annoying slowed down action sequences the film never quits with its brilliantly designed set pieces, gorgeous swooping camera shots, and larger than life costumes. Bekmambetov just bleeds style, and with Vampire Hunter it shows. However, this style does begin to get in the way of itself, especially during the larger action sequences. They may be beautiful, but for the most part they are unnecessary and far too lengthy. It was also pretty funny, but not for any of the reasons a movie should be funny.

Also, Benjamin Walker looks weirdly like Abraham Lincoln. Still don't know if that's just good make-up or the greatest doppelgänger ever. Whatever, I already don't care. 

Umm, and other goods things...well, the actors are pretty, and we get to see a whole lot of them half-naked. So there's something.

Once the credits began to roll I was left a angry. Not simply because the source material was raped, because that's usually something I can forgive, but because even talented people can still make something that almost hurts to watch. If you absolutely need to see it, please be drunk while doing so. I wish I had been. Then, after the torture has ceased, kill the movie with either fire, beheading, or a stake to the heart. 

Score: 1/5